I was recently speaking with the head of HR for a massive organization. She was drained, overwhelmed, and caught in a familiar trap of self-doubt. She looked at me and said, "I should be better at this. I should be able to handle this. What's wrong with me?".

I looked at her and asked a single question that changed the entire energy of the room: "You are regulating so many dysregulated people every single day... who is your regulator?".

In that moment, she didn't need a new strategy or a set of self-help suggestions; she needed her reality to be validated. She needed to hear a truth, confirmed through 30 years of research and detailed extensively in my new book, Getting to Better: There is nothing wrong with you.

Understanding the "Regulator"

For those unfamiliar with the term, regulation is our ability to manage our energy, emotions, and attention in the face of stress. Dysregulation occurs during times of serious disruption when our internal systems become overwhelmed.

The reality is this - regulation and resilience are not solo sports. As humans, we were never meant to go it alone.

In the world of leadership and parenting, we often act as the external "brain" for everyone else, providing the calm and confidence they need to function. But if you are a Source of Regulation for others without having a source for yourself, you aren't failing; you are simply hitting a mental, emotional and physical limit – you're human.

The Worst Question at the Wrong Time

"What's wrong with me?" is the most damaging question we can ask ourselves when we are frustrated or angry. It never sparks creativity or inspiration. Instead, it triggers a downward spiral of negative feelings that lead to even greater dysregulation, making it nearly impossible to find a way forward.

A Stake in the Ground for Parents and Leaders

Our brains are wired for survival, which means negativity sticks like Velcro, while positivity slips like silk.

• For Parents: When we only ask "What's wrong?" when our children mess up, we inadvertently "Velcro" them to their mistakes. If children grow up hearing this, they may spend their lives trying to "fix" themselves when there was nothing broken to begin with.
• For Leaders: If parents start anchoring children in what is going right early on, leaders will have a much easier task when those children become employees. However, leaders have the same obligation today: to stop identifying only the negative and start focusing on positive efforts and important accomplishments – so they may identify and reinforce the innate human strength of their teams.

The Path to Better

To move forward, we need to embrace three simple shifts:

1. Stop asking the wrong question. "What's wrong with me?" – it makes things worse.
2. Accept that we need each other. Regulation is a shared human requirement.
3. Focus on what is right. We must intentionally look for strengths and increments of "better" rather than chasing an unattainable "best".

There is no such thing as "best" when it comes to human potential. But we can always be better. And it starts by realizing that you are already enough and, as humans, we were never meant to go alone!

To learn more about Getting to Better and to buy your copy now, Click Here.

Stephen de Groot is President and CoFounder at Brivia. He is the author of the highly acclaimed book Getting to Better: A New Model for Elevating Human Potential at Work and in Life and Responsive Leadership (SAGE, 2016).