Across every domain of influence - from the boardroom and classroom to the locker room and living room - we rely on metaphors of pressure. We talk about "tightening the screws," “turning up the heat”, "running a tight ship," or "giving them enough rope." These phrases reveal a deep-seated belief that for discipline to work, it must hurt.

However, as humans, we are built to learn, adapt, and grow. When discipline is designed to inflict discomfort, it triggers a stress response that closes down learning, stunts adaptation, and limits growth.

The Three Great States: A Framework for Thriving

In my latest book, Getting Better, I introduce a model for creating the conditions where humans can truly flourish. The Three Great States are the fundamental requirements for optimal performance, regardless of the environment:

• Safe: Feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally secure. It is characterized by trust, calm, and the freedom to be authentic.
• Significant: Feeling like you truly matter and that your unique contributions are genuinely valued.
• Situated: Having a clear sense of purpose, predictable expectations, and meaningful goals.

The Cost of "Hurt" Across Settings

Ineffective discipline jeopardizes the potential for learning to occur at all. Here is how the "Hurtful" approach manifests across different settings, and how we can pivot to “Helpful” and towards "Better", for everyone:

• For Leaders: From Management to Development

The Hurtful: Using Performance Improvement Plans (PIPs) as "isolation chambers" or imposing unpredictable "double consequences" to "get the message across."

The Helpful: Shift to Performance Development. Instead of "fixing" a problem, focus on elevating potential by building connection and clarity.

• For Parents: From Threats to Co-Construction

The Hurtful: Providing vague threats like "smarten up" or grounding a youth for an unrealistic timeframe (which essentially grounds the parent, too!).

The Helpful: Use Involvement. When youth are involved in choosing plans and consequences, their energy goes into learning rather than resentment.

• For Teachers: From Shaming to Significance

The Hurtful: Using public put-downs or "power over" tactics that strip away a student's sense of value and belonging.

The Helpful: Prioritize Significance. Ensure the student feels their presence makes a difference and that they belong to the larger community.

• For Coaches: From Reaction to Response

The Hurtful: Reactive yelling or sarcastic "power over" moves in the heat of the moment, which shuts down the athlete's brain.

The Helpful: Responsive Coaching. Stay calm and consider the athlete’s unique sensitivities to keep them in a "learning" state.

Discipline as Teaching: The Power of Involvement

Whether you are coaching a pro athlete or parenting a toddler, the most important factor for influencing behavior is the relationship. Discipline, by its Latin root, means "to teach." For it to be effective, the person must be an active participant rather than a passive recipient.

• Logical Consequences: The consequence must be related to the goal. Paying for a broken window makes logical sense; losing a phone for a broken window only creates confusion and anger.

• Judgment vs. Character: Distinguish between a "judgment error" (a one-time mistake) and a "character error" (a consistent disregard for shared values). Values are the ultimate Situated and Significant anchor; when we align our behavior with them, we keep each other safe.

Moving Toward Better

As I discuss in Getting Better, when we place our energy into blaming others, we lose our capacity to change or successfully adapt. When we treat people as individuals with potential rather than problems to be solved, we move everyone - students, athletes, employees, and children - toward their best selves – towards what they are truly capable of.

Your Next Move

Pick one relationship today. Instead of talking about what they need to improve, ask them what they want to develop.

Want to dive deeper into these capacity-building tools?

• Explore: The full framework for parents, leaders, and coaches in my new book, Getting Better
• Expand: How Performance Management Hurts Performance for more on the workplace shift.

Stephen de Groot is President and CoFounder at Brivia. He is the author of the highly acclaimed book Getting to Better: A New Model for Elevating Human Potential at Work and in Life and Responsive Leadership (SAGE, 2016).